I’m gonna do some research! He said the doctor told him at his recent well-man check that he could do with losing a bit of weight, he’s not obese but he does have a tummy. He’s managed to lose 7 lbs so far but still has maybe another 14 lbs to go. In a short man a little extra weight makes a lot of difference! The blood tests showed nothing out of the ordinary, but of course these are standard tests.
As I said there is a less than zero chance of him going back to try and delve deeper – he takes pride in being fit and healthy for his age – and also I now realise he just doesn’t think sex is that important. He’ll accept what he’s dealt! We’ve been together 2 years and for 18 months of that time it’s been a case of me wanted sex more often than he does – though he SAYS it’s all still the same in his head and SAYS he still wants it all the time, he can’t be bothered to make the effort and has ignored my feelings and needs.
This was the most confusing thing to me – I know by the amount of internet porn he looks at that he obviously IS still VERY interested, but I understand now that what he’s after is EASY ACTION – no effort – no getting sweaty with a real live woman, no getting out of breath etc (after all he’s had plenty of that and more all his life!)He wants a rest. He looks at all shapes, sizes end ages so I know looks aren’t the issue. Porn fits in with his ultra strict routine – it’s there when HE wants it – on demand. He’s entered a different stage of his life now and his wants are different, he often refers to himself as old.
I have no doubt that he still wants me around for what I give him in the way of Plan B as that requires no effort from him and he obviously gets a lot of pleasure from it. The sex we manage is limited to what he’s prepared to do on his back or side. I’ve suggested some variety but he says I have to realise he’s getting on now.
I understand now why he likes having me around…we’re both very cuddly and love snuggling up together….. For the company tho only as long as he wants it….. and to boost his (massive musician’s) ego – which I’ve always done. My problem has been that I didn’t understand that he won’t change anything in his life for me – nothing!
But since I found out he may have had (or attempted) sex with someone else even though it’s not definite, it’s as though blinkers have been taken from my eyes. I’m looking at him and our situation differently and can see ABSOLUTELY clearly what he’s offering….indeed always HAS been offering – Friends With Benefits! He even said to me once it’s better to just have friends who come and go and don’t let them get into your head….but I though ah, he’s so lovely to me he’s just protecting his own feelings….I made up my own truth!
And suddenly sex with him, such as it is, isn’t so appealing (quite apart from the health risk involved). Suddenly JUST cuddling in bed listening to the radio, JUST walking the dog, JUST going out for meals, JUST going shopping together, JUST popping round for coffee, JUST cuddling in front of the TV, JUST laughing over stupid things, JUST supporting him when he plays with his bands ALL MAKES SENSE. We’re mates, chums, friends – even though he CALLS me his partner to people and SAYS we’re in a relationship there’s no emotional intimacy or support from him – and he doesn’t want it from me. It’s JUST a friendship!
So while we’re away I’m gonna give it my best shot…..have the best time I can on the holiday he arranged in a place I’ve always wanted to visit…..keep up the physical affection etc……but hold back on the sexual side. I know I can do it now.
Thanks as ever for listening while I struggle through all this….